The Green Saddle: Jim Quinlan's Guide for the Out of Shape and Overambitious Cyclist

Day: 2 (Truro to Padstow)

Average Speed: Like... 6 mph? I dunno. Don't judge.

Distance Today: 35.4 miles

Distance Cycled Total: 98.9 miles

Feet climbed: 3035 today, 6,953.4 total

Difficulty level: Moderately difficult

Advice I am happy to take.

Consider the following statement from my guidebook:

Today’s route traverses five valleys on its way to Padstow. It’s a bit of a challenge, so make sure you rest and enjoy the view from the top of the hills.

Today's elevation profile... the five valleys are labeled.

A bit of a challenge? Brits are masters of the understatement. Holding in a fart while you’re teaching a class of students is “a bit of a challenge.” Maintaining an intelligible conversation with your dental hygienist while she tears at your gums is “a bit of a challenge.” Completing a Wednesday crossword is “a bit of a challenge.”

If today’s hills were crosswords, they’re all Saturdays in my book.

Good thing I’m not on editing duty. My version would go something like this:

The band Super Tennant meets for rehearsal.
Why here? Why not!

Today’s route will make you question whether or not those 200 "training miles" you put in before you started were time well spent. Remember how you whined about how difficult they were? How hot it was? Haha! You could've been binge-watching Stranger Things on Netflix, you fool! Those miles meant NOTHING! You will have absolutely no chance of crossing these five valleys today without looking like a complete out-of-shape idiot. So look for any excuse possible to stop and catch your breath. Is that a candy bar wrapper on the shoulder of the road? Stop and pick it up! It’s your duty as a guest in England to help keep the country clean. When’s the last time you checked your email? There could be an important message about an English department meeting for this upcoming September! Is there a local band name Super Tennant randomly rehearsing on a dirt road in the middle of a hill? Now’s a perfect time to get to know their music. Remember, it’s not laziness if there’s a reason you need to stop. However, others do not know this… so if you hear a car coming, hop back on that bike until that car is out of sight. We don’t want anyone to think lesser of you.

Jim Quinlan’s Guide for the Out of Shape and Overambitious Cyclist. That’s what I’ll call it.

Someone out there needs to cater to my demographic.

But at least they gave me permission to rest at the top of each. Don’t ask me twice. And of course I soaked in the views. Refer to the elevation guide above to determine which view belongs to which peak.

PEAK #1 VIEW:

PEAK #2 VIEW:

PEAK #3 VIEW:

PEAK #4 VIEW:

PEAK #5 VIEW:

There. You got all the views with none of the cursing it took to get up to see them.

Again, from the guidebook: There are a few climbs on the way out of Truro…

Either my definition of “a few” or my definition of “climbs” is very different from the guide’s. I would write something like: The beginning of your day is going to suck. Big time. Have coffee with the campground owner before even thinking of packing your bags. Talk with Paul, your neighbor (or “neighbour” if you prefer) whom you met yesterday, and get to know him a bit more. Did you shower last night? You did? Shower again. Start every day fresh! No need to start the day just yet.

The new tent. RIP coffin. Hello mansion.

Here’s another line from the guide: It’s a sublime ride in the afternoon. In contrast to the hills of the morning the trail eases its way past mudflats and golden sand banks.

The guidebook once again assumes too much. It thinks I left in the morning. Not a chance!

Sure, I had high hopes of leaving before sunrise. I always do. Every night before work at home I tell myself “Tomorrow’s gonna be the day that I get there at 5:30 AM, grade all those essays, and plan the rest of the week!” I’ve been saying that for thirteen years. You can ask my colleagues how many times that has actually happened.

But I actually had a legitimate excuse for my 12:30 PM start. I needed a replacement tent. And the shops in Truro don’t open until 10 AM. And I consider it crass to begin shopping within the first hour of a store opening.

The eager associate named Adam at HawksHead Outdoor Store was determined to try to repair my existing coffin of a tent, but gave up after forty-five minutes. And the ones he had in stock were too big to fit in my luggage. So he reluctantly sent me across town to the competing store where I was in and out in five minutes, tent in hand.

I shipped the old one home, asking for the cheapest rate possible. “Well, there’s economy class for eight pounds,” the postmaster said, “but that can take up to 42 days!” Sold.

Padstow

At my pathetic pace of 6 MPH (perhaps less?), I didn’t make it too far today. Although the hills are not particularly long (most are less than a mile), they are intensely steep, and when you’re climbing each one at 2 MPH, it’ll slow you down.

Fish & Chips.
Culinary excellence indeed.

I certainly could’ve made the destination city of Bodmin tonight. After all, I completed the difficult part of the route. But I needed to make sure I could set up my new tent. And Padstow seems like a swell place that, per my guidebook, is “…famed for its culinary excellence.”