60 Miles on an Eerie Canal

Day: 10 (Warwick to Stafford)

Average Speed: 8.5 mph

Distance Today: 60 miles 

Distance Cycled Total: 514.4 miles 

Feet climbed: 1122 today, 25,509.4 total

Difficulty level: Very Easy with many obstructions

Either an abandoned bicycle or an art piece. Found in a canal underpass. 

Canal paths are kind of like above ground pools. I like the idea of them. They seem refreshing. But after about three minutes, they lose their appeal. 

The bulk of today’s ride was on a canal path, which sounds quite pleasant, doesn’t it?

Here are seven reasons why canal paths can be very unpleasant to cycle along:

1. THE GATES

One of the many types of gates blocking the canal entrance.
This one is relatively easy to get through.

It’s totally understandable. You don’t want people bringing their ATV’s, Go-Karts, Harley Davidsons, or horses on the trail. That last one is quite ironic since canal paths were specifically designed for equine, but it’s 2019. No one is hauling grain down to the nearest market at three miles per hour with fifteen stops along the way at canal locks. 

But geez. 

They do a damn good job at making sure it’s difficult to get through. There are gates that are narrow and maze-like. Gates that feature small vestibules and an intricate door system. Gates within gates. There are so many different types of gates that each one is its own challenge to get through. Like a mini escape room. I mean, my fat ass can fit through them just fine. My bicycle’s fat ass on the other hand… there’s a challenge. 

Late in today’s ride, a couple of teenagers watched me struggle through a Z-Style gate (that’s what I’m calling it anyway). They were laughing hysterically. So was I. “Don’t make fun of me!” I shouted. They burst into applause when I made it through. I like those kids. That brief exchange may have been the highlight of the day. 

2. THE PEOPLE

Often, a person is sitting on the railing in the middle
of a tunnel.

First of all, there’s a lot of them- which, like the gates, is totally understandable. The canal path is a great place to walk the dog for a stretch (as a side note, I’ve never seen such well-behaved canines in my life). But, particularly on the narrower paths, encountering pedestrians (or oncoming cyclists) often means dismounting from the bicycle. While it’s always a polite encounter, I’m sure we annoy one another equally. 

Secondly, many sections of the canal tend to attract quite the “dodgy” crowd (there’s a British word I’m happy to adapt!). Is the guy stumbling down the path in front of me disgruntled? All it would take is a gentle nudge, and I’m swimming. What about that lady sitting on the railing in the middle of a dark tunnel? Am I attractive bait with my neon yellow jersey and a fully loaded bike? Fingers crossed. 

DUCK AND TWIST!

3. THE TUNNELS

I’m sure if you find the correct angle for your body and have incredible intuition for balance in the dark with no point of reference, it’s fine. But as I recently failed my audition as head contortionist for Cirque du Soleil, I mostly walk through the tunnels. Otherwise I bang into the brick wall. I have the abrasions on my right shoulder to prove it. 

4. THE SPEED BUMPS

A trip to the proctologist waiting to happen

There are countless times along the canal where one needs to cross an overpass, or suddenly dip down wherever canal locks appear. In order to dissuade cyclists from traveling recklessly, there are intentionally raised rows of bricks. I’ve found that it’s best to walk these areas, unless you want to explain to your proctologist why it is you need a bicycle saddle extraction. 

5. THE PATHS THEMSELVES

Keep your balance!

Sometimes the paths are so narrow and close to the water’s edge that it takes full concentration and confidence to traverse them. For me, concentration and confidence are not things that go together well. Either I’m concentrating, or I’m confident. When both come into play, I’m a hot mess. I just assumed I was going to fall into the canal at some point today, and I had a plan as to what order I was going to throw my stuff to dry land when it happened (bike was last on the list). 

The surfaces change quickly and dramatically, from single-track to wide gravel paths to grass. Outside of urban areas, they’re overgrown with dangerous thorny brush. Head down. Don’t snag your lip. 

6. THE BOREDOM

My view of Birmingham

Seems lovely, doesn’t it? 60 miles along a canal? That shit gets old quick. Not much to look at. The water, though well-fished, is still and appears lifeless. Once you’ve seen one canal boat, you’ve seen them all. And at some point, I figured I’d see at least one interesting piece of graffiti. Nope. Canal graffiti sucks. If I can match the quality of your graffiti in five minutes on a windy day with a can of generic Home Depot spray paint, then there’s a problem with your artwork. Why bother?

I went through Birmingham, England today. Can’t say I saw any of it though. I sure can tell you about the canal that runs its circumference!

7. THE FLATNESS

FLAT.
 And doesn't the water almost look like you can cycle on it?

I know how often I bitch and moan about climbing. But… that’s sorta what makes cycling fun. No one climbs to the top of a mountain and says “I regret doing that!” The endorphins kick in, and you’re addicted. Kansas was one of the toughest states for me to cross in America for a reason. It’s flat. And because of this, it takes work to enjoy. For me, rail trails and canal path share that same quality: they’re too much work to enjoy for not a helluva lot of payoff. After three granola bars, two pints, and a chicken dinner, it’s quite possible that I consumed more calories than I burned in today’s sixty miles. 

At mile 50, I left the trail (right by a sewage treatment plant!) and headed to a highway, which had a paved cycle path running parallel. 

A view from a bridge.

Less idyllic for sure. 

But I couldn’t have been happier. 

Google kept trying to push me back to the canal. 

Sorry, Goog. 

It’s my way or the highway. 

Or in this case, it’s my way and the highway. 

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I'm still off-course. And FOMO has kicked in more than once as I wonder where the guidebook would’ve taken me. Probably not Stafford, where I am right now. This is a no-frills town for sure. But no worries- I’m in for a helluva ride tomorrow with some climbing. 

Gotta start early. 

Gotta catch up with someone who’s always twenty miles ahead of me. 

P.S.

I know when I'm not wanted.