A Fat Ass, a Cocktail Party, and a Slaughtered Chicken

Day: 3 (Richmond, VA to Louisa, VA)
Average Speed: 12 MPH
Miles Cycled Today: 74 (20 of which were entirely pointless)
Miles Cycled Total: 156
Mood: Refreshed

Found this Graffiti in Richmond

Last night, I went to bed sore. Like really sore. My feet and legs were totally not used to the added weight as I never trained with anything heavier than a 6 pack of beer on the back of the bike. I trained without weight intentionally against all advice. It helped me maintain the illusion that 80 miles was no big deal. I probably would've given up before starting if I did any sort of training with 40 added pounds... 

Imagine waking up one day, and your ass is 40 pounds heavier. That's exactly what it must feel like. 

Now, I feel every hill. And there haven't really been any major (or minor) hills at all yet. And until later in today's ride, this part of Virginia is flatter than a flute that thinks it's in tune.

Yet somehow I woke up this morning feeling 100%. Add to that the great coffee and conversation from my host Rachael, her mom Leslie, and host dog "Loki," and the start to the day could not be better.

 She even gave me a set of earbuds to replace the ones I left behind, and I used them immediately. I've never cycled with music before because I want to be able to hear traffic, but WOW. What a difference it makes. I listened to Ben Folds on shuffle and smiled for the first 20 miles. Even his slow songs are motivating. 

Although she offered me breakfast, I refused. I never eat breakfast. But less than 1/2 mile in, I stopped and chugged a can of RedBull, downed a PowerBar, and sucked up an energy gel (that's some weird shit... but it works). 10 miles later, I hit up a Subway. And while I was there stocked up with some pretzels, peanuts, a couple more PowerBars, and some Mentos. I'm gonna have to learn to start eating breakfast. 

Rachael, who is a nurse, even said "I hate to sound like your mother... but you need to eat breakfast." And as I know from working in a school... never, ever, ever disagree with the nurse (Love you, Tamara!).

Better yet, I found another host for tonight who lives a perfect distance away. I'm prepared to camp anytime, but it's great not to have to. 

The mapped out and approved bicycle map that I'm using thinks it's doing cyclists a favor by having them avoid the busy city of Richmond, but I disagree... I'm using Google Maps for this leg since it brings me right through the heart of Richmond. It's a lovely city. 

Diggin' this Coke Sign

Probably shouldn't have stopped for this brewski though... it skewed my judgement. And when I went to go put my right saddle bag back on, I didn't clip it in properly. About ten miles later, as I neared a (thankfully) red light, it fell off. Now this might not seem like a big deal, but suppose you're at a cocktail party, precariously balancing a full martini in your left hand, and your rather large right ass cheek falls off unexpectedly. Here's how I'd imagine that would play out:

"Lovely party, isn't it Martha?"

"Why, yes Todd. Quite lovely."

"Did you read the Wall Street Journal today? The article about the Dow Jones and the expected stock gains for Chamois Cream?"

"No, Todd. And pardon, but I'm unfamiliar with Chamois Cream... can you enlighten me?"

"I can Martha, but it's quite crass. The plebeians of our society call it "Butt Butter" and it's meant to prevent saddle sores on long bicycle rides."

"My, my! That's dreadful!" 

[Martha's right ass cheek drops to the floor... she falls to the left, spilling her martini everywhere. The entire party watches in stunned silence as Martha staggers to get back up, but while overcompensating for the lost weight of the ass cheek, she falls to the right. Eventually she manages to get up, and adjust her glasses. Her lipstick is smeared all over her face.]

"How's the NASDAQ doing, Todd?"

[silence.]

That's pretty much what happened. Luckily the light was red, so traffic wasn't moving when I fell into it... but I'm sure I made for some lively dinner conversation.

By the way... one thing about Google Maps when you're on a bike... it finds the fastest possible route, but not at all the safest. Where I live, there's a busy road called 211, where all the big box stores are... it's totally legal to ride a bike there. But is it smart? Hell no. The Goog took me that way. And I was blaring my music the whole time. 

On the bright side, I found a Best Buy where I could re-buy the sweat proof earbuds I left in my car. The associate at the door, Matt, was super nice and insisted I bring my bike in the store. He asked where I was heading, and gave me the incredulous look when I said San Francisco. I also got the hairy eyeball when I told him I was riding with headphones. "That's not safe ya' know..." blah blah blah. You know what's safe about this trip? Nothing. Why stop at headphones? I stay to the right. Cars try to avoid me. If I'm gonna get hit, I'd rather go sailing through the air listening to the french horn opening of "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys than hear my bones breaking.

Oh yeah... while we're on that topic everyone seems to be concerned about whether or not I packed spare tubes for the tires. I'm dumb, but I'm not that dumb. YES. I DID. I might not know how to put them in the tires... BUT I BROUGHT THEM!!!

Virginia is beautiful, and the rolling hills are perfect for cycling. Just plain fun. I had a great ride today and ended it by meeting my new host family- in an egalitarian community. They offered me a delicious freshly slaughtered chicken upon my arrival:

More on that tomorrow. Great people.

P.S.

Hanna-dle Bars:

Get it?